Cupcakes Are Shit

Cupackes seem to be shorthand for some pointless version of post-feminism which also involves wearing a skirt with a shoe print on it. See? I like shoes so much I have them on a skirt.

*Snore*

Get me a real fucking cake like a nice bit of banana bread or a good old carrot cake, which you can continously pick at through the day for breakfast, dessert, elevenses and afternoon tea. I’ll leave the nausea-inducing sugar laden bullshit sponges to the morons. Also I’ll be wearing my shoes on my feet thankyou.

There’s so many reasons to hate cupcakes. For a start, they’re not even as big as a cup. They’re pointless, stupid little things that are the food equivalent of an idiot going *SQUEEE* at something hideously cutesy like a kitten who fell asleep face down in a champagne glass full of butterflies.

Also, the term itself is hideous. It’s a rubbish Americanism. They’re called Fairy Cakes. Okay, hardly more macho, but Brits shouldn’t be talking about cup cakes… unless they intend to start saying “sneakers”, “trash” and dropping the ‘u’ out of half their words.

The cupcake is a sure fire way to ensure that you are not trusted. If you are an adult and you promote cup cakes, then you are akin to a grown man in a Shirley Temple wig and nappy stood in a playground wanting the other children to come play.